It was a day we had been dreading. The day the doctor delivered the devastating news that my husband had a progressive and incurable disease. We were having lunch after the appointment when a friend called to say that as she was on her knees praying for us, she had a vision. She went on to describe the scene we had just come from. In that small exam room she saw the doctor, my husband and myself, and in addition, Jesus was also there. She said he looked like a young hippie who was in a popular tv commercial at the time. In her vision, she saw Jesus raise his arms over us and say, “I’ve got this”. I clung to this reassuring picture of Jesus, yet I was still living with constant anxiety, fear and grief. Sleep eluded me, as my worries took a toll on my health. How would I care for my husband? How would we live? Who would want to be with us? Would I have to quit working? I persevered in my quiet time and prayer, but prayers consisted mostly of a list of things in my life that I loved and I was begging God not to change. I was paralyzed. Eventually, during a morning quiet time, as I was reading Psalm 46: “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth should change …” I felt and almost heard, the Holy Spirit commanding me to stop being afraid. It became possible for me to more fully embrace the vision that “Jesus has this”. Worry about the future was replaced with confidence that God was with me in this and the future was in his hands, not mine. I was free to pray with more gratitude and then move on to do what seemed to be the next right thing. Do I ever slip back into fearing what’s to come? Of course, but now I can more easily name the feeling and choose to live with a vision of the God who loves me and is with me.

I have had some incredible personal and professional highs in my life and an unbelievable foundation with my family and God. I grew up healthy, played sports, and ran a marathon in my 30s. I also moved to DC, fulfilled professional dreams of working at the Department of Justice and the White House, and met the love of my life, Colette.

In my 40s, I faced more than one unforeseen and severe health crisis. An occlusion in my eye left me blind for about six months. Several years later, an uncomfortable feeling at home led me to the ER, which led to quadruple bypass open heart surgery a few weeks later. At that time, we also found out that my kidneys were not operating at 100 percent and would eventually fail without a transplant. All of this before I was 50.

Despite fear and uncertainty, I found peace in trusting God, even when the present is scary and uncertain. I could trust in the invisible through how my church community showed up for me and my family and literally cloaked us in the armor of God. We could never have done life without them. I am forever grateful.

The endings to each of these crises are true testaments to the work of God. The occlusion in my eye completely healed (on Christmas morning!), my heart operation went without any complications, and today my heart function and labs are “above average” for a person my age. My sweet sister donated her kidney, which resulted in my ultimately receiving a perfect match with “best case” results. I was home in just four days and never went on dialysis.

God is great!

One of the most challenging calls in ministry as a music and administrative pastor; came at a time when I was experiencing burn out and what professional counselors might diagnose as “functional freeze” – state of emotional and physical shutdown in response to overwhelming stress or trauma.

I remember complete exhaustion, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had feelings of being stuck, numb, disconnected from life and at times, trouble making decisions. I had to work at staying motivated to accomplish my work.

I was able to emerge out of this dark period by:

1. Asking God to share the journey with me as promised in Matthew 11:29. The metaphor of a yoke and the Holy Spirit carrying the burden helped lead me to find rest for my soul.

2. In my brokenness, seeking a spirit of humility, openness and gratitude.

3. Professional and spiritual counseling.

4. Searching God’s word. Encouragement from Philippians 4:4-9

5. Reaching out to significant others in my life for support and guidance.

6. Exercise and diet.

To this day, I use this formula for life as I experience times of discouragement and challenge.

“Both my husband and I have had lingering health issues over the past two years. Being the HUMANS that we are, our prayers to God were to spare us and have some, if not all, of the problems resolved. What a huge request! It was also one that God chose to answer differently than what we asked. My husband’s issues were modified and lessened with time, but I have experienced less to no improvement in my own. I struggle with a constant state of dread. I dread going to bed at night. I dread waking up in the morning. Dread, dread, dread. When will things get better? But through all of this, I have never been alone. I know God hears me. I know God is here. I feel His presence. I know things will improve and work out in the end.”